February 26, 2012
— addiction, first24, mental health, recovery
Since my post entitled “Recovery!?!?!” I have struggled with staying away from the medicinal marijuana. Actually I have been having a harder time with this than I expected. Truthfully it was easier to quit sticking needles in my arm then this is turning out to be. I feel frustrated, on edge and my acid reflux has kicked in something fierce. I swear that I can physically feel pain in my chest above and beyond what is normal.
I will admit, I permitted myself to fall into a slight depression over this and it has caused me no end of mental anguish. I quit using intravenous drugs and cigarettes yet I can not for the life of me quite smoking weed. How could this happen? What is my major malfunction this time? I have been internalizing this problem in order to find a reason for this difficulty to no avail. Until I actually went sober for my first 24hrs, then it hit me like a ton of bricks, not only is it the effects of the marijuana that I must wean myself off of but it is also the habit of smoking that I must yet again endure withdrawls from. In my bliss of being granted the right to use marijuana for medicinal purposes I never even thought that as an ex cigarette smoker I should not smoke my marijuana. Despite warnings from my doctor, (which I admit I ignored) I chose to smoke the marijuana instead of ingesting it using other means. Amazing the things that a person realizes after the fact.
So I sit here suffering. Going through withdrawls yet again, not only from the weed but from the smoking. Amazed that I would have allowed myself to get into this position again, especially considering how far I have come in the last 2 years.
So the never ending struggle continues. One day at a time.