February 21, 2012
— #addictions, #depression, #shamefull, mental health, recovery
So here I am yet again.
I have almost hit my 2 year mark for being clean from hard drugs. I feel awesome. I have claimed my freedom from the chains of those drugs and enjoy every day that I have free of them. I now look forward to staying alive and thriving, not just staying alive and surviving.
Here is the thing. People that know me are aware that I had the government license to posses marijuana for medical purposes. I have purposely allowed that license to lapse. My reasoning for this is my children. I have their health and well-being to look after now and there are other ways to treat my ongoing symptoms that do not involve a narcotic that is currently considered illegal.
Here is the thing though. I am an addict. It does not matter if it is coke, crack, meth, H, weed or cough syrup. There is a part of me that does not wish to be clear headed. If I start thinking straight then apprehension and self doubt kick in. Whereas if I am under the influence of narcotics then those feelings do not play as big a factor in my life. You could best describe it as an allergy to my true self.
I find it amazing how I still brow beat myself constantly about everything. Does not matter what goes wrong or for who, it does not matter if I was present or not, if something goes wrong I will find a way to personalize it and figure out how it is my fault and what I can do to fix it. This is a factor of my life that I need to really work on but every time I decide I am ready I run into the problem I am having at this moment.
You see as an addict I am having a hard time walking away from the marijuana. I can stop for a day or two but go running back after that. I have allowed myself to come to rely on the drug to get me through the day instead of relying on my own strengths, abilities and tools. It makes me feel ashamed having to admit it. Despite how far I have come in the last few years I am still having to start at square one. The scared little boy is back and he still figures that something is wrong with him cause he is not perfect like his peers. I am still that mixed up teenager that took that first line of coke so that he could be ‘normal’ and fit in. I am still an addict.
I am not upset that I am an addict. I acknowledge that I will be an addict till the day I die. Just because I am an addict though does not mean that I have to act on my addictions. Why could I not be an inactive addict instead of an active one? I will be working on this for the rest on my life and I recognize and admit that.
There are a lot of factors that I could point at and say that they play a roll in my addiction but the truth of it all is that it all boils down to me. I make the choice to use or not use.
So for today I will not use, I do not know about tomorrow but I take it one step at a time.
I should note here that I do not allow my marijuana use to interfer with my ability to care for my children and my use is limited to before bed and after they have left for school. I do not and will not use when they are around as I believe it is in their best interest. The effects of alcohol and the effects of marijuana are pretty much the same in my experiences and i want neither of them around my children.