The exploration of my mind…
February 3, 2012
After hiding from myself for so many years I figure it is a good time right now for me to get to know who I really am and what can keep me ticking. Maybe try to start bringing my core beliefs into conscious recognition, as well as perhaps understanding the correlation between what I went through and how I ended up (why was I so lucky).
So here is what I figured out so far…
I live in confusion:
I am constantly lost in a thought or a moment. It seems that nothing is as clear as it could be. I accept the fact that I may have done some serious damage to my mind from all the drugs and drug combinations that I have used over the years, I just don’t want to accept that it is forever.
I am an adventurer:
Never knowing nor caring where the ebb and flow of the tide of life would bring me I enjoyed the ‘newness’ of everything, the chaos that always followed the coming and going of the tides was a playground for me.
I am open but have a hard shell you have to open first:
I am a book, you just have to know how to open me up and turn the pages.
I am accepting:
I have learned how to allow my heart to hope when all around me would lie in despair.
Now you ask me what I plan to do with this…well truth is i have no clue but messing around with my own head is so much fun!!!..
Here is an example of how deep I have to dig in order to lay some things to rest.
I was trying to deal with a tragic moment in my life so i was forcing myself to reopen the memory (my grandfathers death). (Please let your inner shrink loose cause any help cyphering this mess would be appreciated.) Here is what I came out with. (it has been left in it’s unedited form)
“I stare in amazement as the water swirls around a devilish dervish that is spitting up white foam as one possessed. Foamy caps of white calling, beckoning me to join them. The seem almost real. Let me go I don’t want to go there…let me go when I say I dontknwant to go I don’t want to go…help me daddy daddy want is the mater help me I don’t know I am so scared and I close my eyes I want to be small and they don’t dsee me I scared I so so scared I run iun and anothing I am not there I don’t see I don’t k=fuiil I wast to go home and I what don’t want to rememerb remember”
The emotions attached to the attempt to recall the memory were…
-fear on the verge of terror, confusion with no desire for enlightenment and dark depression.