W.O.W. (Working Out Whatever)
November 19, 2011
— #abused, #addictions, #HCV, #newlife, #rape, #sexualabuse, #shamefull, #victimized
So I just returned from a workshop put on as a recruitment tool for a local group called MAASV (Male Allies Against Sexual Violence). This workshop was well structured, had good content and excellent facilitator’s that were knowledgable of up-to-date material. This is definitely (in my opinion) a workshop that everyone in authority that works with young people should take.
Although I am already somewhat knowledgable on the subject of sexual abuse as I do work with individuals that are/have been affected by it as well as have been affected by it myself in the past, I was provided with information that I found new, useful and intriguing. It has sort of rekindled an interest in the subject as well as triggered me to high heaven. (I will get more into this in a few minutes)
My one complaint about this program is that, because it is offered by a self-proclaimed feminist organization, it does not really discuss sexual violence within the LGBTQ society, especially male on male sexual violence. In fact I found that it rather downplayed male on male sexual violence and brushed it aside (as much as I permitted, and ya I had to get my two cents in). I couldn’t at the present time suggest that a male take this course if he has encountered sexual violence from another male as they may end up leaving the workshop in a worse place mentally then they were in to begin with. They may be given the impression (although NOT ON PURPOSE) that their experience is not important in the bigger picture of statistics, which state that women and not men are the main victims of sexual violence and that women are the ones that need protection and help. (Although, in my mind, that idea itself is not proper as it expands the ideology that women need protection and need others to look after them because they cant do it themselves, whereas males should be able to fend for themselves so we don’t have to protect males)
Other than this one message though, (I do understand the why’s and where-fores of this message and the organization is not being stigmatizing in the least, they are simply working with recognized and accepted statistics), I have no complaints. The group was diverse and a pleasure to hold discussions with. The facilitator’s were open to correction and facts that they may have missed and the chairs were not uncomfortable.
So my final conclusion. If you get the chance to take this training then please do so. It is only offered by SASC ( http://www.sascwr.org/ ) in k/w and the area’s they serve which is not very widespread, but who knows maybe people can take the idea behind MAASV and bring it to their own cities. You can also check out the White Ribbon Campaign at http://www.whiteribbon.ca/ .
Now I mentioned about this workshop triggering me and I would like to go into a little more detail about it. I never planned on bringing up this issue on this blog but it is foremost in my head and I need to get it out.
As some of you know (some of you figured it out from reading my blog posts and some of you know me personally and know my story), I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse on top of the mental, physical, emotional and spiritual abuse (yes I believe you can be spiritually abused). Being forced to do something sexual was just a fact a life when I was a child and I learnt how to disassociate from reality at a young age (then I found drugs and they worked better at helping me disassociate). I wasnt triggered though about the childhood abuse but it did play a role. I was groomed as a child to think I was a flirt and therefore deserved to be a sexual object. That belief stuck with me my whole life, even to this day I hold that belief.
When I was in college/university, (I attended both at the same time, might be why I burnt out and dropped out), I had a few female ‘party friends’ that were interested in me but I didn’t return their feelings as I was shallow when it came to looks. One night one of them invited me to a Fantasia Party. I couldn’t believe my good luck and accepted the invitation, just as she knew I would. So she picked me up and drove to where it was, we did the usual and did a nice line before we went in. Inside there were a total of 13 women and I knew every one of them except for one. Everyone of these women I felt comfortable with and I felt free to be myself. So there is me in a room filled with women and sex toys, every man’s dream (unless you are not into women and/or sex toys) and I played it up to the fullest. There was also an abundance of drugs and alcohol, of which I partook in massive quantities, and I overdid it and passed out (what normal college/university student hasn’t). When I came too though things were a bit different.
I woke up laying on my back on a bed naked, spread eagle, when I tried to move I couldn’t. At first I thought that my immobilization had been caused by some really good drugs but as the fogginess lifted I realized that I was somehow being restrained (i figured out later I was tied with various types of rope material, a scarf, the shoelaces from my own shoe’s, and an electrical cord). I called for someone to come let me go as I figured this was just hazing for passing out. Then my ‘friend’ came into the room and told me that I was being punished for being a flirt. She systematically and unceremoniously took off her clothes and straddled me. Now I did not in the least find this woman attractive and was absolutely repelled by the image of her body naked, because of this there was no way I was gonna get a hard on. For a while she tried to stuff my limp member inside herself, she tried using her hand and mouth to get a reaction out of me, nothing worked and I just wanted out of there, my cries for help went unheeded though. After realizing she wasnt going to get any action from my penis she plopped down on my face and told me to lick and I obliged seeing no other way out of this situation. (okay this is really triggering me but I need to get this stuff out).
Afer she was done she simply got up, without saying a word got dressed and left the room. I was terrified. Then another of the women came in. I thought she was there to let me go but instead she did the same and disrobed and proceeded to do what she needed to get off. Out of the 13 women that were there the only one that didn’t try something was the one woman I didn’t know. ( It turns out that she was a neighbor of the woman who rented the apartment and had only been over for a drink and some free drugs and was not involved with what happened that night). Now not all the women tried something sexual, only a few of them did that, some of them just humiliated me, one raped me with the very sex toys that I was so eager to play with earlier, a couple of them just came in and teased me but left frustrated after they realized they couldn’t turn me on.
Eventually the drugs and alcohol was used up and one of the women came in and let me go. Totally embarrassed at not getting a hard on (not all the women were classed as ‘totally undesirable’) I got dressed, relaced my shoes as I tried to put what happened into perspective and I left. I went to a friend’s house (who was also my dealer) and talked to him about what happened over a couple nice smashes (drug talk for I stuck a couple of needles full of drugs in my arm). He laughed and said to make sure I tell everyone and to be proud of what happened because it was every man’s dream. Well I didn’t listen to him. I couldn’t, how could I be proud? What if the women told people that I couldn’t perform? What if people laughed at me? I could see no good coming out of me opening up my mouth so I shut it.
This is only the second time since the occasion that I have opened up about this. It feels like a scab has been ripped off and these words are blood all over my blog. It still makes me feel full of shame and I wonder why I was such a flirt with these women. After this occurence I kinda swore off drinking, in fact to this day I have psychotic episodes if I lay on my back and I am intoxicated. (I would like to note here that I have not drank to that point in over 9 years and havent drank at all for the last 2 years because of the fact I relive that moment every time I drink). Up until today I let this memory slip into the dark recesses of my mind. Today it was ripped out of its hiding place and brought into the light.
I have hidden this because I felt emotions that I didn’t know how to deal with. There were just too many of them to handle at one time. The greatest one I have to admit was shame, hand in hand with shame was guilt. I believed it was somehow my fault that this had occurred, that I got what I deserved for flirting. I also feel dirty and inferior because of what happened. I still cant believe that I am actually writting this for you people to read.
Is rape bad? YES, in no context is rape okay, no matter how adamant the other person is, or the other people around you are, there is no way any type of forced sexual activity can be your fault. Rape is Rape is Rape. Doesnt matter what the gender of the victim or the perp is. Non-consensual sex is rape, end of story.
So for those of you that are reading this and have been raped or taken advantage of please stop blaming yourself. Don’t continue giving that moment in time power over you and your life. Reclaim that power by admitting to yourself that you were a victim. Powerless over the situation.
Reclaim your life, your body and your soul.
Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself…. ” I am proud to be me, nobody own’s me but me”