Inner child work – Part II
November 14, 2011
— #abused, #addictions, #childhood, #HCV, #newlife, #victimized
(I have created a safe and relaxing environment in which for me to do these exercises, with written ‘escape’ plans and additional supports a phone call away if I need them. It has taken me a lot of researching and practice to get the point where I am confident and secure enough in my knowledge, abilities and my own inner strength to embark on this process on my own. Please DO NOT try this without first consulting a professional as there could be some serious after effects. I take no responsibility for any action you take to embark on any similar journey of healing or the outcomes of such measures. Please remember that this blog post gives voice to my inner child, it does not necessarily reflect my thoughts, beliefs and/or emotional status today. Each paragraph is a different point on the timeline of my life and is not sequential)
I’m scared. There is so much I don’t know. I trust my mom and dad will take care of me and make sure I know everything I need to know. I need to get out. I need to fly and be allowed to experience life. It is all well and good to enclose me in a bubble but what will happen when I finally pop the bubble so that I can escape it. My mom and dad aren’t happy I am going to pop the bubble. I keep pushing on the walls of the bubble seeing how far it will go without popping. I want more freedom but I don’t want to be cast out on my own yet, I rely on that bubble they created to protect me, I just want to be able to experience all the things in life that everyone else my age seems to be experiencing. I don’t even get to go to school. I can’t feel sorry for myself as I believe that I am being brought up as an ‘adult’ and I am told I should be lucky that I never have to go through that awkward phase of being a ‘child’.
I escape. I wasn’t allowed to walk out of my bubble, I was helped with a very strong push out the door. Dropped. Just like that I didn’t exist anymore, like I was never important to start with (but I knew that already). Not only did I lose my bubble but I also lost the people who, I thought, protected me and I was shoved out into a world that I was unable to interact with. Thanks to my extensive reading I found ways to manage. I was lost. I turned to alcohol to help smother my emotions and increased my usage of drugs. Everything would spin around and that was how I liked it. I could handle the spinning, what I couldn’t handle was other people. I had grown up in a family that had been controlled through threats, fear and physical violence and vowed I would never be a person like that. That vow was all well and good but I have no ‘examples’ or ‘role models’ for being something different. So I do everything the opposite of what I experienced growing up. Only it doesn’t seem to work. I am an idiot I can’t do anything correctly. I model myself after the new father figure in my life and learn how to take it easy, relax, use drugs properly and how to drink to oblivion every day. I think this must be where I am meant to be, it feels so refreshing to be able to douse the fear in me for a short time.
Help me. Please someone. Help me. I want to go. I want to be able to sleep at night without worry that I did something evil and am going to die and go to hell that night. I wish there was a different way to keep from going to hell then to get ‘spanked’. Why is it okay for god to be mean and get mad but it is not okay for me? I must be really evil cause I need to get spanked a lot and I am lucky that I have parents that love me enough to spank me when I am evil and cast the devils out of me.
The kids my age don’t like me. I talk funny and they think I am retarded because I don’t know how to play sports and I talk funny because of my overbite. It makes me sad and proves that what my mom and dad say about not needing friends and them being evil is true. I can’t talk to them, they talk about TV shows and singers and comic books and stuff they did in groups, I don’t do any of that, I don’t watch TV, I don’t listen to music, I don’t read comic books or attend their groups, all those things are tools of the devil and I don’t want to be evil. I can’t give up my beliefs. In my secluded world my beliefs keep me alive and in less pain. I don’t need friends if they are just going to cause me more pain. Maybe someday I will find friends that will accept me for who I am and they won’t hurt me like everyone else.