Inner Child Work: “Given a voice”
October 13, 2011
— #abused, #addictions, #childhood, #FAMILY, #HCV, #newlife, #shamefull, #victimized
(NOTE: This post is written by my inner child. Part of my healing process is to let my inner child out and to give him a voice while showing him empathy. It allows me to identify possible wrong thinking and to work to overcome it.
This is not how I think now, it is the way I thought as a child and that should be kept in mind when reading it.
This is only Part I of a series of work I am going to embark on in an endeavor to allow old wounds to heal.)
Loving yourself is such a hard thing for me to do. If the people that meant the most to me growing up couldn’t love me then why should I love myself? I am a useless piece of shit. The fact that I am alive is a mistake and a problem. All I am good for is being a burden on people. I work hard to try to prove my worth to those around me but they still say I’m not good enough. I raise my brothers and sisters and they have no idea of my pain. They look at me as if I am their role model. I don’t want to be their role model. How can I be a role model when I have no direction or purpose? I take care of the yard work and the animals but I am still useless. The people I respect always say what I do is not good enough. I must be the worst kid ever. I just wish I would go to sleep and never wake up.
I have just lost 3 cousins within a short time of each other. I wish I was them. I wish I could have escaped. I am envious. I continue on with the daily routines that are my life. Crying for escape. I am so confused. First I am told one thing then I am told that isn’t right. Why teach me something if it isn’t true. Is it funny to them to play mind games with me? I stop listening. I will find out on my own. I immerse myself in my books. I will find my own facts. Never believe people, people like to lie. I am not worthy of being told the truth. I am a joke.
I want to make friends but I am not allowed. It is evil to hang around kids your own age because they are Satan worshippers and I know this cause my mom and dad told me. I don’t want to go to hell and burn. It burns my hands when I am punished by having my hands held on the woodstove when I am bad and I don’t want to feel that over my whole body so I gotta stay away from people my age and only talk to old people.
I sleep under my bed because it is better. It is comfortable and it is like a fort for me. Sometimes when I am sick I like the closet cause then I can sleep siting up cause it hurts to lie down sometimes. My daddy says that men don’t cry and that I gotta be a man and take the pain. Well I don’t cry no more so I am now a man. I see other people my age and they are still kids because they still cry like babies. They can’t take ‘man stuff’ and they should go back to wearing diapers and drinking from bottles.
I think I need to get married and have my own family so that I don’t have my daddy always coming and messing everyone up. I work really hard on keeping everything going. Maybe daddy will leave and never come back or maybe he can have an accident and die dead. Then everything will be good and things will go back to normal and my mom will be able to love me again.
I need to go. I am too big for him now. He is hurting my doggies. I love my doggies and it hurts inside when he hurts them. I will let him hurt me then my doggy will be safe and my dog isnt a man cause he cries and it only hurts me on the outside.