October 6, 2011
— #abused, #addictions, #childhood, #FAMILY, #keepinitreal, #newlife, #recovery, #victimized
What can I say about my mother…This is such a difficult subject for me…It hurts realizing that growing up my mother didn’t have time for me. It makes me sad that a mother could turn their back on their own child. There are very few good times I can recall that I had with my family. Fear and anger were such prominent issues in my childhood that even when I could have had an enjoyable moment I didn’t. It seemed that when I needed her she wasn’t there. The part that hurts most is that she didn’t protect me from my abusers even after I told her what was happening. She chose to protect them even if it meant building on the fear that they instilled. I truly believe that at times she “fed” me to the abuse.
Now I do not and can not view my mother as a monster. I, for some unknown reason, view her as a co-victim. She did not go through what I went through, she would turn her back and act like it didn’t happen and when I would try to bring something that happened up she would say it was my fault I deserved it or even worse say that she didn’t remember. How can you not remember hearing your son screaming and then having to rip up a sheet to wrap around him like a diaper because of the blood? How can you not remember, when your favorite way to keep him in line was to threaten to send him to his abuser if he didn’t behave?
I admit I am still unable to turn my back on my mother. I don’t talk to her, I think I have made it clear to her that she may as well forget about me. A part of me though still wants my mother. I want a lot of things though that I know I can not allow in my life and my mother and drugs are on the same level for me. Not that they go hand in hand but I have to avoid one just like the other for my own well being.
This post is really triggering me as I try to figure out what I want to say and how to say it so I am just going to write a letter to my mother and maybe someday she will read it.
It is your son Randy. I know that we haven’t spoke for quite some time and I want you to know that although I really want to have you in my life I can’t allow it. I am at a point in my life where I must stand up and be myself. I must leave my past life behind and work towards a better future. That includes breaking a lot of cycles of abuse. In order for me to completely break those cycles I must severe relationships with the people who instigate them.
I am greatly indebted to you for the life you have given me. Although you have told me many times that you regret that decision. I am grateful that you provided me clothes to wear, food to eat and a roof over my head. I appreciate the fact that you taught me responsibility and how to hold my head high no matter how bad life got.
My gratitude stops there though. The lessons were great, the way you taught them to me were not so good and have left scar’s that may never heal. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually I am still recovering from my childhood and all the things you allowed to happen. In seeing you allow them I thought that I had to allow them to. You kept telling me that you were not strong enough, mother I was a child, if you were not strong enough than what made you think I was?
There is a lot of anger I hold inside myself because of what I went through while under your care. I will never be able to understand how a mother could claim to love their children and yet turn a blind eye to their hurt and pain. I can never forget that you always turned your back on me when the abuse was occurring and then pretended it didn’t happen because you didn’t see it. Hiding from reality is something I learnt very well from you mother. For the majority of my life I hid from reality, only I used drugs to help me escape from the truth.
I have 2 beautiful children that I am raising mother and I sleep easier at night knowing that I never have to allow you around them. I never have to put myself in a situation where I have to trust you. Honestly I can’t trust you, I never will. I can’t trust that you would keep my children safe because you never kept me safe. I can not trust you to teach me children properly because you never taught me properly. My children will grow up without any knowledge of you and that is the hardest thing I think I will ever say in my life. I have tears running down my cheek as I write this because my children deserve to have a grandmother that loves and cares about them and instead they have you. I deserved, as a child, to have a mother that loved and protected me from harm as well…….
Maybe someday the hurt will go away and maybe someday we will speak again, although I highly doubt that. You have chosen your life and I have chosen to break the cycle of that life and thus have broken my ties to those cycles and the people who perpetuate them.
Take care mother. You will always be the one that gave life to me so there will always be a soft spot in my heart for you. Because of that soft spot I will never be able to allow myself to be around you. I can not risk having that soft spot exploited so therefore I must protect it the only way I know how to. I must distance myself from you. So take care and have a good life mother. Hopefully in the next life things can be different.
P.S. As a child I needed
To be held, loved and wanted.
Someone that I could tell my secrets to.
To feel safe and secure.
Someone to kiss my boo boo’s better and tell me “you’ll live”.
Someone that would teach me about the world around me.
Someone that I could rely on to take care of me.
Someone that listened and believed me.
I just wish that someone could have been you.