Dirty, Vile Creature!!!
August 26, 2011
— #abused, #addictions, #childhood, #keepinitreal, #recovery, #shamefull, #victimized
I am going to rant here and allow myself to identify various factors of my memories. Every time I awake from a nightmare I am writing down aspects that i feel are important. This will hopefully work in giving these memories a place and time of their own. I don’t expect this to make any sense but then again I have some very bright readers so please bear with me.
Tied down, helpless, scared, multicoloured light, fear, terror, darkness, blindfolded, pain, anger, discombobulated, annoyed, people talking, naked.
Two dicks, staring piercing eyes, eyes holding me, want to leave but cant, curious, scared.
Drowning, cant breath, smell, pain in my lips, blood? is it mine?, I dont want to go in there, hands pulling me into her , cant breath out of my nose, scared, struggling, legs thrashing.
slut, pervert, toy, snarl at myself, useless, piece of shit, dirty, take a shower dirty boy, beds suck cant have good sex on them, depression, self inflected anxiety, take a deep breath, two deep breaths.
Pain, blood, hands holding, confusion, what did I do, I’m a good boy, I want to scream, let me go, anger, worthlessness, tears, fear from tears, don’t let him see, wipe tears, not fast enough, bent over again, STOP CRYING, pain, i beat myself up mentally for crying, BOYS DONT CRY, pain, I cry harder, pain gets worse, I run out of tears, i give in and become limp, I ignore the pain, I tolerate the pain, I hate the pain, I hate the cause of the pain, blood pools at my feet, he has a piece of broom handle this time, He tells me to pull my pants up and walks out the door, my mother rips a sheet and uses it to swaddle me, she says she is sorry, she says that she should have aborted me and saved me this pain, I stare at her indifferently, I want a hug, it hurts to hug, I push away, lay down, too painful, stand up again, so much pain, I cant comprehend I am to young.
Walk outside, bright, sun, peaceful, school, home, garbage all over yard from my dog, scared, run up road, he caught dog, kick, kick, wimpering, cower, hate, anger, falls, broken, grass, laying down, how did I get here, stand up, clean up garbage, bring dog to back field and shoot him, sorrow, loyalty, incompitant, unworthy, hate, anger, zombie like movements as I bury him, taking care to push his bones back into his body before i bury him, sorrow, pain, anger, sadness, depression, goodbye, fear, he’s coming for me next, run, hide, find a small dark place.
cats, barn, manure, smells, wood, eyes glowing in the dark.
Grandmother, laughing, wiping my hands and face, brown, dirt, chocolate, hand prints, fridge, stove, walls, twinkle in her eyes, dirty vile creature, loss, pain, grief.
Fist, brown, shit, smell, beg, belt around throat, pull, want to hit but cant, people, watch, laugh, join, powerful, dirty, vile, inhuman, animal.
Take a bath, naked, afraid, forced, pushed, no control, cry, tears, fight, yelling, BAD BOY, scared, COME HERE, fear, indecisive, toilet paper, wipe, dirty, scared, cry, threats, fear turns to terror, passive, go limp, turn off again.
Nails, 2X4, wall studs, dark, safe, points, punished, hidden, unwanted, invisible, afraid, pinpoints of light, spiders, cobwebs, smell of time.
Logging, trees, tractor, skidding, trip, logs coming, move, alive, angry, unworthy, depressed, useless.
Pain, hanging by shirt, cant touch ground, relief, thirsty, hungry, outside, cold steel on back, howling, moon, stupid, angry, unloved.
Loud noise, gun, yelling, wet, hurt, sting, horror, repulsed, nausious, afraid, get up, save self, run, hide in small dark place, inject, blank out, run, run, run.
Pain, dog howling, dog is me, run, attack, man falls, rip at throat, taste blood, stand up, now a man, look down, repulsed,