August 4, 2011
— #abused, #addictions, #depression, #HCV, #recovery, #shamefull, #streetlife, #victimized
As a Male survivor of sexual abuse I sometimes feel lost. I look at my past and try to be objective about it but end up trying to separate myself from myself. It hurts so much to look at my past and to remember that the little boy, that was nothing but a toy to those people, was me.
I still feel the pain at times. Although they tell me it is phsychological I swear I physically feel it. The physical pain from being stretched, ripped and forced to do things was nothing compared to the emotional and mental pain I endured.
To this day I still feel like I am public property. Here to service others. I know that it is not the proper way to think and I remind myself of that fact every time it happens. It takes a long time though to change a persons way of thinking.
I refuse to go into detail of what happened because truthfully I cant. I am still not ready to open that flood gate and remember everything that vividly. I realize that allowing those memories out may relieve a lot of my nightmares.
Why would I want to remember in detail how someone raped me?
How, as a child, do you explain that someone made you put their cock in your mouth?
How do you tell people that you are afraid of these memories?
I know I am not alone though. That is one of the reasons I can talk about the stuff I can talk about now. Alot of other males go through this sort of thing as well.
I also realize that I am not the only one feeling insecure of my masculinity, of feeling effeminate, feeling dirty, used, abused, unloved, unwanted. Good only for sex and work.
I cant lie these memories trigger me to high heaven yet I have to face them. I cant run and hide from my triggers I just have to learn how to handle them with care using the tools in my posessesion.
Now I ask myself, what tools help deal with the memory of your mother handing you over to someone while taking money from them?
What tools can I use to deal with the terror of being held down while someone had their way with me?
Up to my sobriety date, I used drugs to deal with these memories. Now I feel lost. Yes I have a lot of professional support to help me and without that I would be even worse off.
My trouble though is that I think way to much. I cant just put thoughts aside. I always try to run with them. I am my own worst nightmare at times and I realize that.
For once though I want to be able to enjoy a relationship instead of distancing myself because of the physical aspect of it.
For now though I just shake it off as best I can and continue on trusting that given enough time I will be free of this burden.