July 28, 2011
How many times have you ever had to make a decision that could affect the rest of your life?
We all have.
My problem is that I haven’t made many of them sober.
In fact I havent done much in my past life sober. Now that I face these situations sober I find them, although stressful to some degree, invigorating. The fact that I am facing various new types of decisions now tells me that I must be doing something right and I am overjoyed at that. The biggest decision I used to make was whether to use this vein or that and how to make more money for drugs.
“…to be or not to be that is the question…”
I have to be realistic about my life and who I am personally and my capabilities as I understand them. It’s not always easy looking into the mirror and seeing your true self. I realize though that for myself, I can’t fix what I cant see, I have to look into that mirror.
So I will take a good long look and see whatever is there to be seen. I will allow myself to delve into the depths of my mentality and force myself to face the truth. I will do this so I can tell someone else and maybe allow them to see that they have the courage and strength to do the same within themselves. I will do this for my children that look up to me as their guide. I will do this for all the people that believe in me, encourage me, guide me and have given me a sense of direction. Lastly I must do this for myself.
For me that last sentence is the hardest. Finding the self worth to do things for myself. Who am I? I really dont know. I still struggle with the answer to that question. I am still finding that out. I feel like I did as a child when I was brought to the mall and wandered away from my parents, I stood there looking around at everything around me, seeing nobody I knew, frightened, alone, abandoned, terrified of the unknown because I didnt know how to interact with it.
So it is today. The only difference is that now I am an adult and I dont have that “hand” to hold onto. I have nothing that is “known” or “safe” to fall back on. I can’t call for mom and expect an answer. I can cry all I want, yet life’s problems won’t go away like magic or be fixed by someone else. It is sad that as a 34yr old, I can not say that I have a concrete purpose or direction. I can not say that my life’s course has been set. I can not say that I know how to achieve my dreams,.
So why do I always get ahead of myself?
I feel like a blind horse. I am walking forward. I just have no idea which direction that is in or what the ground under my feet looks like. I have no one holding the reins and giving me directions. How do I know that I am not running in circles? It might be a big circle and I have yet to hit the point I started at.
Keeping this in mind I realize that I can not wander to far on my own yet. I am not ready to interact with all the strage things in life without people there to turn to for guidance. Yes I have abilities and skill sets, unless I take the time to hone these into sharpened tools then all my attempts to create something beautiful are for naught as I would just make a mess out of it.
Maybe horses dont need to run in the field. Maybe running on the track within the arena will be enough. It is just hard to get the meadow out of the wild horse without breaking it. But if the horse has already been broken then training it to stay inbounds ……. (well that depends on the horse)
So the question I must ask myself is; after so many years of independance, free rein in all aspects of life, living carefree without the need for direction or purpose am I ready to allow someone to take the reins and lead me. To teach me until I know the course so well that I can run it at my lesiure. Or will I buck and shy away, wild forever