July 21, 2011
— #addictions, #depression, #homeless, #keepinitreal, #PROSTITUTION, #sexualabuse, #streetlife, #victimized
Have you ever put yourself into the shoes of a street worker??? I was there for years…I still feel shame about it but like everything I blog about it is a stigma that needs to be addressed.
So we have a group called SWAN. They advocate (supposedly) for street workers. (they actually dont do much tangible work that actually HELPS street workers in a way that would make street workers want to access them, this being said they are a well meaning group and their hearts are in the right place and that is a great start)
So I am researching for links to add to my website as resources for street workers to access and here is what I find: “GUARDIAN LINE (519)650-8558” this is the 911 line for street workers that are abused by their “johns” and you get a direct line to a voice mail machine where you leave a description of the offender and their name if you know it as well as a description of the offenders vehicle and license plate……
okay…why not just let them report abuse through 911 or are street workers not important enough to warrant immediate action?
It’s sad that a whole section of our society is forgotten and pushed aside.
I know it’s a taboo subject…hell I feel uncomfortable saying that I used to suck cock for money (did more than that at times) and it wasnt limited to just men, in fact many of my ‘clients’ were sick old ladies…You would be amazed how many people rant, rave and make a fuss about street workers and how they make cities dirty and they shouldnt be there and then go and higher us for their pleasure.
I cant mention names, titles or positions for fear of being targeted but I will say that I have left more than one employee of city hall with smiles on their faces in the past.
So picture this…(it actually happened to me)…I’m on a crack binge…I’m out of money and so I go do what I feel I need to do. The ‘john’ is female, overwieght, has extremely bad odors coming from her creases and holes (and I have to put my face there)..I do what i have to…It takes her about 10 minutes to finally get everything out of her system…I get my money and leave, with her stench stuck to me like glue…I scrub my face and hands with the steel wool I keep in my pocket using a puddle of muddy water at the side of the street…I go get my drugs and load them into a syringe and jam it home….I go out a few more times that night….The next day I decide I am hungry and go to access one of the community resources that provides food….I get in line, sure enough, handing out plates of food is “big chunky stench” (k I never did come up with good names for my clients but that is what i knew her as)…Immediatly I started to gag, if anything had been in my stomache I would have puked right then and there…I started sweating profusely, I left hungry and went and made more money for more drugs…I had to get the taste of her out of my mouth so I drank a bottle of mouthwash…How dare she pretend to care and help us when she uses us for her own pleasure…(okay I am going to stop talking about this situation because I am feeling extremly upset about it and I still can taste her and the others)..
Truth is many street workers can not go out in public unless they are working because they may run into their ‘johns’. I was like that for the longest time then I realized, I am a stigma. I can not change the past.
Yes I will feel shame about things I have done for the rest of my life but I will not allow the people that used and abused me to have control over me because of it. I will not be afraid to show my face because I sucked your cock…(and it was probably the best BJ of your life cause you kept coming back)…I will not go down between your legs again just because I did it in the past.
Where are my peers that can support me in my healing process?
Where is my sponsor that I can call and say “hey I just ran into ‘little boy peep’ that used to call me his little boy and choke me while I sucked his cock and I have to deal with him in order to access a service that I need to make myself better and I dont know what to do”…
Where do I turn for help?…Where do we turn for help?…Where do the current street workers turn for help?
(I have to stop here I have hit a very big trigger button, my cravings are going nuts and I feel like beating myself unconscious)