July 21, 2011
20yrs ago in highschool I was sitting by myself smoking a joint. I was depressed. I had just got the results back from the canadian equivalance of the S.A.T.’s….I had scored higher than anyone in the school, (or anyone in the district). You may ask yourself why that made me feel depressed. Well I was already an outcast. I was already 2 grades ahead of my peers. I was so outcast that even the other outcasts had nothing to do with me. Okay part of the reason was my own fault, I thoroughly enjoyed making people look stupid, especially when they liked to act like they knew everything. That is neither here nor there though.
So I was sitting there by myself smoking a joint. Another person walks up and I was terrified, I thought for sure he was going to rat me out and get me expelled (our school had a zero-tolerance policy). Instead he sat down beside me and put a straw in his nose and did a line. I watched in curiosity. He offered a line to me. I was wary at first but he knew about my predicament with my test scores and he convinced me that this stuff would help make me “normal”. I jumped at the chance. I asked what it was after I did a line he told me it was “coke”. I then proceeded to the library and did some research. If cocaine was gonna help me become normal then I wanted something that would do it quicker and more effectivly and I knew I had to kill some brain cells somehow.
Now you ask yourself why I would want to do this, wouldnt I disappoint my parents, etc, etc. Truth is that no matter what I did or how good I did it I always got in trouble. Nothing was ever good enough, good work never recognized except to say it could have been done better. (come on I tried to committ suicide at 10yrs old and if it hadnt been for my brother walking into the room I would have finished my life there and then). God forbid if I ever try to point out my parents stupidity. (but that is another story for another day). Truth is I hated myself and my life. Why were things so easy for me that were so hard for my peers. I just wanted friends, was that so much for someone to ask.
Anyway getting back to my story, I was in the library at school and found a book on types and side effects of illegal drugs. I found one drug listed that gave the side effects I needed and wanted. Heroin. So I search around school till I found a student that could get it for me. So began my addiction to heroin. My dance with the devil started so sweetly. Not pushed onto me but I willingly ran to it with my arms wide open. I worked after school and weekends so I had the extra income to pay for it. I was also smart enough that I easily hid it from everyone. That dance lasted for almost 18 of my 20yrs of addiction.
Little did I realize that this dance partner’s kiss was slowly draining away my soul along with my intellect. Luckily I figured it out in time to escape with a bit of my soul still intact.
Now you ask if the Heroin served the purpose I wanted it to. Truthfully, yes it did. It brought me down to what I percieved as “normal” intelligence. Now that I am clean though I find my brain cells are regenerating and starting to operate like they previously did. This scares me as I still have a fear of intelligence and what to do with it. Now that I have so many proper supports in place though I hope that this time I can perhaps use my intellectual abilities properly and maybe by chance I will be able to help give direction to someone with the same affliction.