Death and Addiction
July 16, 2011
— #addictions, #death, #depression, #recovery
After 17months free from addiction, I am in a place mentally where I must deal with parts of my past that haunt me. In particular I am talking about death. Watching your friends die is not easy under any condition. Watching them die when you are under the influence of drugs is a little easier at the time. The only problem with that is when you finally sober up you have to deal with the loss.
Now after 20yrs of addiction I have to deal with countless deaths. (Okay not countless but over a dozen of them). Some were very tramatic for me to watch, some still haunt me in my dreams and I wonder if I will ever be free of them. Countless nights I lay awake in my bed, afraid to close my eyes for fear I will see their faces and remember the sound of their last breaths. I wonder if I will ever be free of those memories.
I am starting to deal with these memories in counselling. There are limits though as to what control I currently have over my memories and so there always seems to be a monkey wrench thrown into whatever headway I start to make in this particual area. It was suggested that I give these memories their own “space and time” so I am going to use this blog for that purpose.
So to everyone that has gone on, (I wish not to mention names), I bid you goodbye. From the bottom of my heart I say I am sorry for the pain and suffering you went through in your life and that you were never able to find peace in life. Your memories will not be forgotten, your names have been written in my heart for eternity. I find a small amount of joy in the fact that never again do you have to try to deal with life on your own, especially when that life was beyond your grasp.
It is so hard to say in words just what I feel inside. A constant sadness, a slight fear, helplessness, hopelessness, anger and more…I just want to say that none of you died in vain and I will do my utmost to ensure that I can stop even one person from ending up where you are…
Thank you so much for the times we shared.